On This Father's Day

I posted as a joke that I'm a third-rate father on a friend's post, but in a way, I realized that it's kinda' true.  I don't want to be labeled as "the best father, the best husband in the world," because then, if I was already the best, what do I have to aspire to, to work toward?

What's my goal and inspiration if I've already achieved the status of "the best?"

I have to work at this thing every damn day (and I sure as hell know that I'm not 100% successful every day).  Sure, today might be the day that Dads are celebrated, but we can't rest on those laurels, even for one day.  If nothing else, then today should remind us that we need to keep working, to continuously earn this praise and respect, not just expect it.

From a kid's perspective, I know it's hard to have lost a father.  Many of you are in this scenario, and those of you who know my history know that I'm right there with you (ESPECIALLY those for whom this occurred so recently).

I certainly had a hard time coming to grips with the loss of my dad in 2003.  I still feel pangs of wistfulness (and to a degree, guilt), but it drives me to be better in my own role.  To make my father proud of me as well as doing the best that I can for Henry and Evie.  I may not grieve anymore, but it's still weighing in the back of my mind.

Was my father the Best Dad in the World?  Of course not.  He was struggling and learning the best he could within his own circumstances, just as I am.  I know I'm not the Best Dad in the World either.  I'm just a guy trying to not be a total screw-up for these kids, and as we've seen, being a total screw-up is not defined by levels or amounts of social status, wealth, or privilege (coughDanTurnercough).

If nothing else, then today is a day of reflection and contemplation.  As the kids are upstairs blessedly having a nap so that I can sit here, drink a few beers, and work on this post, I think about my role in their lives, the degree of influence I have, and the responsibility that comes with it, especially given the "status" assigned to them and their particular needs (and the reality is the depth and breadth of that responsibility really can't be fathomed unless one is a parent of a child with special needs; it's a different world that has to be lived, not explained).

This week marks the official beginning of my summer schedule at work.  It means I'm putting in more physical labor at a higher pace and urgency than at any other time of the school year.  In a way, it's fitting that Father's Day comes as the day before this "second season" so to speak, because now I have to shift into higher gear as an effect of financially providing for the family.

This is the day of crystallizing my place in the family dynamic, of defining my role and responsibilities.  Of reminding myself within myself, "don't screw this up.  Your family needs you not to screw this up."

Today, I reflect upon my family.  Tomorrow, I get back to work, in more ways than one.